Oh my..has it really been that long since I've been here. Today is August 29th and my last weigh in was 281.2 and it looks like I'll come in with a loss of 35+ pounds for one year. WOW....that means I've taken over 140 pounds of pressure off my knees since Sept of 2016.

It hasn't been the easiest of years, I'm struggling to get my health on track, stress is a major factor in my life right now. The kids are gone at least for now and the old man and I are struggling a bit to find our balance with each other. Some days are great...others are rough.
Money is something we need to work on and so because of that I have to stay at my job for a while. I don't really like it though it pays well and has good benefits. It's boring and repetitive, you don't really contribute to the world as a whole, and there's not enough physical movement. I have to remind myself to move around sometimes which I don't like and to be honest, being here makes me feel like a complete failure. I'm an artist, I should be painting, I should be spending my time creating holiday beauty.

Still having some health issues...burping a lot with gas and churning stomach...going to some specialists to rule out ovarian cancer and then to gastro Doctor.....if nothing there will look into counseling....hate my job but necessary for now...having teeth worked on...weigh in at 289.4

Today is the 16th May and it's my son's birthday.
I've been working consistently and at last weigh in was 293.6 which makes a total loss so far of 14.2 pounds.
I'm exercising pretty consistently and that feels great.
Not as much back pain as at the beginning of the month, but the headaches are on and off.
Just need to keep an eye on that...hoping I don't have giant cell arteritis. Will speak with the doctor when I go back in a few weeks if it's still happening.
Maybe it's being caused by my teeth...it's hard to tell actually.

I'm working to get out of debt and hopeful that 3 years from today I can quit this job.
I really don't like it at all....it sucks the human decency out of you and wears you into the ground.

I'm been a little tired the last few days...really feeling fatigue but when I exercise I feel great..

I'm a mess.

Just a quick pop in

It's the first day of May and things are going pretty well. My weigh in on Saturday was 294.8 so I've lost 13 pounds since I've started this journey this year. This is the best I've done in a long time.
Eating is going fairly well and I'm starting to pick up the pace a little in the exercise realm.

I'm having several aches and pains...in my back and frequent headaches but I'm at a job I hate and my son is overseas with the military so I'm not sure what's real and what's emotional. My back pain is real, I pushed the updog yoga pose way before I was ready for that and now I'm feeling it. But I'm looking forward to getting stronger...next goal 292.8 before mothers day.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I'm happy to say that I'm currently at my lowest weight in two years. Last Saturday I checked in at 295.8 and since getting below 300 was such a milestone for me, I'm glad that was something I was able to accomplish.

My next goal is 287 which was the number I was when I applied for and got the job at the bank in April of 2015. When I get there I will tie my all time low for living in Chattanooga.

One step at time...be consistent...work hard and keep going.

I can get there if I'm working on it.

What a difference a little over a month can make. I started having massive anxiety issues so bad that I thought something was wrong with my heart. So I went two weeks ago and had a physical. Turns out I now have GERD which kinda stinks but it's not unworkable. My vitamin D level was really, really low so I have a supplement for that and it seems to be working. My pap, EKG, and mammogram all came back clean..that was amazing and somewhat surprising news. and with the exception of a weird pain and slight swelling in my left temple area I feel pretty good. My vision is still in and out so I'm not quite sure what is happening with that.

The GERD has changed my eating patterns which is actually helping me. And I'm exercising a lot, yoga almost everyday and core 3 times a week. It's a work in progress.

I'm down to 297.8 which is awesome...first time in over a year I've been under 300.
Trying to work it just a one pound weight loss at a time with a reward of Strawberry shortcake figurines.

I'd love to be 250 when Kole comes home.

I cannot function correctly unless I am here writing on a regular basis. At the urging of my daughter, I've come back to this blog.
This has been an awful time. I am either severely ill or am having panic attacks so intense that they border on destructive.
I had an earache on Tuesday, stayed home from work, and ended up going to urgent care. I really just wanted the doctor to listen to my carotid arteries to make sure they weren't clogged and I wasn't two steps away from a stroke, if truth be told.
He looked in my ears, no infection. He listened to my heart and lungs and neck arteries and said everything sounded great.
I have pins and needles in my hands when I sleep on a regular basis, I think there may be a pinched nerve somewhere or the pressure my weight causes this to happen.
This morning I had pins and needles in my upper left hand side of my face to say I was scared was an understatement. On this new bed I am so comfortable I don't shift positions for hours so I can easily understand why it happens in my hands. But the face things pushed me into a panic attack that almost got way out of hand.
I have many wonderful things in my life, a good marriage with a great man, good kids who are working on getting their lives together, a home, a job, everything that everyone works so hard for so why do I feel so guilty? As if because I have abused my body and not taken care of my health I am undeserving of happiness and success.
Once again I am getting closer to one of the greatest weight barriers I have....getting down to 299. Yesterday I weighed 304.2
I am two and half pounds away from where I was right before Christmas, when I just chucked everything in the shitter and let it all get away from me.

Yoga feels great, it is my reward and time of meditation. And now that illness and cold is over I need to start walking again.
Simple steps on a consistent basis create successful achievement.

Fighting Failure
I'm struggling bad to get back on track....I was so close before Christmas and then I just derailed and am having the hardest time just doing the right thing.
I find myself all over the place and I need to figure out how to get back to center.
I'm not tracking anything really, I have no goals that I can get a concrete hold on...I'm all over the place.

Today I got back on the scale...I'm 308.8...not bad, not great.
I'm having the hardest time breaking that 300.00

I need to be accountable to myself, I need to have balance, I need to be happy.
I am none of those things.

I'm a mess...I think all the time that I have cancer or a blood clot and am minutes away from dying.
I'm eating like crap....I can't tell you the last time I had 5 fresh fruits and/or veg in a day.
I'm not sleeping well at all.
I'm focusing on all the wrong things.

I feel lost.
I feel unworthy.
I feel sad.

I have to find my way back otherwise I'm gonna die.

I'm here...I'm struggling but I'm here.
Tomorrow I will take a weight and see where I'm at...I'm sure it's not good.
But it's workable. I have been exercising just not consistently so I don't how I expect it work when I'm not doing it everyday.
I'm trying to find balance between working, cleaning, exercise and painting.
I hate that working full time takes SO much of my time but I've created a plan that will work. I have to hold myself accountable and take little steps. I will get there if I just keep going.
Today I am achy....my calves are hurting pretty bad and I'm not sleeping well.
Just take a breath and calm your mind and start again.
I got so close to getting under 300 and then everything just went haywire crazy.
I need to stop being afraid of being healthy.
Breath...walk the path...enjoy the day..
Will post my weight tomorrow and will go from there.

I'm taking a moment to breathe this morning and focusing on moving ahead this week. I weighed Saturday, came in a 304.8 but I got my period a few hours later so I'm calling it a draw. I am already a little behind schedule but I know that having a great week can turn everything around and once again have me move forward. I'm struggling in breaking that 300 mark but I know if I can do it, I can reach another milestone of 275.
I've realized what I enjoy:
Boxing, Swimming, Walking, weights and yoga...that is what makes me happy and that is what works.

Going to the Y today....this week will be incredible!!!

I'm here and I'm not doing too bad....I weighed in last Saturday at 305.0 and I'm getting back on track with eating and exercise. I've struggled a little bit with finding time for myself but I'm making a commitment to ME.
Yesterday I got in some exercising and I'm journaling my food again.
My first goal for the year is to get to 303 and when I do I'll buy my Jinx Towel.


Fight on, fight fierce.

Getting back into the groove of things with my eating and exercise. Yesterday was the best day I've had in a while, I ate good and got some yoga in before bed. My muscles are stiff so I'll need to continue working on that. Tomorrow I'll be back in the pool. My vacation starts Friday and I'm looking forward to 11 days to recharge and get my plan back on target. I've made a list of weight goals and rewards, rewarding myself for every 5 pound loss with things other than food. I'm ready to just get on with the day so to speak. I'm bored with work and ready for a shakeup in my life.
This will be a great year....I'm excited about the future!!

I'm here...it's been a bit of a rougher holiday than I had anticipated but I'm here. I did put a few pounds back on over the holiday, 5 to be exact, but I'm ok with that. I still had an overall loss for the year, 12 pounds to be exact.

I learned some things about myself over the holiday, I love my children, I do, but I'm ready to have some time with just the old man and myself. I need to recharge and spend some time focusing on what we want as a couple and as individuals. We were only married nine months when I got pregnant with our daughter and while I am happy that we were able to have our kids so young, I've been taking care of children for almost 25 years, we've never had a span of time with just us besides when the children went to governors school one summer and honestly that was nice.

I found myself little to no time for myself between work, cooking, cleaning, and just the emotional exhaustion of the event. I had a good time, it was great to see my children, but my youngest brought home his girlfriend and while she seems like a decent enough person, she was not ready or mature enough to handle meeting the boyfriends family. On that level, it was a wee bit disappointing and honestly my son at this point is also not mature enough to successfully navigate the requirements of a serious relationship. But that's why we are all young once to learn and make mistakes and grow.

My second oldest deploys out tomorrow for nine long months but as his life will be changing, so will mine. My goal for this year is to lose 70 pounds and end the year at 237 by doing it one day at a time, one step at a time, and one meal at a time.

Right now I am just about finished getting the house clean and together and tonight there will  yoga before bed. I'm looking to create a balance between working out, keeping organized and painting. I need to be well rounded to be happy!! and I need to stay on top of the little details. that's what gets me every time.

My body is aching because I have not been exercising like I should but it's ok, I'm on the path to a better life.