So last night I decide to get in a full, well rounded evening of exercise. I start with Wii Gold's Gym Cardio Dance. I love the Wii for exercise, I have several games that I find fun yet challenging. My console is starting to have issues with freezing, not booting up, or not recognizing the remotes. but so far I've been able to keep it going. It makes me sad they don't make them anymore. Nintendo should have promoted it as an affordable option to a home gym, especially for the morbidly obese. It gets you moving and though I realize for the physically fit or gym rats, it's not enough; for truly fat people it can be a life-saver. It gets you off the sofa and it's done in the privacy of your own home.

When you are morbidly obese, you already are struggling with intense self perception issues. I realize there are some people who say they truly love being super fat, it doesn't bother them, they can do what other people do and maybe for them, that's a true statement. For me however, that would be a complete and utter line of bullshit. How does struggling to move make you feel great about yourself? You can't fit in booths at restaurants, using a normal size bathroom stall is a struggle, and of course there is always the stairs.....
When it's difficult to do normal everyday things, it's not easy to just suck up your embarrassment and head down and join the local gym. I'm not saying it's not necessary, I'm saying it's not easy. It's extremely intimidating to only do half a mile on the treadmill while being surrounded by people pumping out a ten mile run like it's nothing.

I have to admit that if I felt good about myself and who I am, I wouldn't be here in the first place. I realize everyone has issues, some people are addicted to drugs, some to gambling, some to sex and money, and some to food. My issue with food is deeply rooted in feelings of guilt, shame, anger, survival, and security. What a cluster fuck that is, but I'm grateful that I'm to the point where I can finally be bold enough to write it down and look at the words in all their obscene glory.

As I get to about the 22 minute mark in my 30 minute Cardio Dance work out, I start to ache a bit. My ankles and my knees weren't liking this anymore, it was cute the first half of the workout but now parts of my body were definitely not happy. So I just slowed down a little bit and probably lost some of my form, but I kept moving and I made it through. I did the cool down on the floor but at that point, that was a small detail and I wasn't going to beat myself up over that. I then found a floor exercise weight routine for the arms and chest from some SUPER Australian lady on youtube (thank heaven for people that put exercise routines on the internet for FREE, I think that should make you one step closer to sainthood). I finished with Candlelight Yoga by Sara Ivanhoe.

I crawled off the floor but I made it. I was exhausted but I made it. I find after 12 days of eating right and exercising, I'm sleeping better, my mood is happier, my muscles aren't aching as bad, and some of my skirts feel a wee bit looser. I wonder why I have so much trouble hanging on to and embracing this feeling of well-being. Am I waiting for it to be an illusion? Do I feel I just don't deserve the fluidity of movement? What does being anchored gain me, what does it give me? I need to figure that out so I can cut the cord.