Today, I'm not sure what to write about. I wish my relationship with food was simple. I'm hungry, I eat healthy items, I'm full, I'm done. But food for me is like a drug.

You feel bad, you do a line of coke, you feel better by feeling nothing.
You feel bad, you shoot some heroin or smoke some weed, you feel better by being numb to your emotions.
You feel bad, you drink till you'll drunk as skunk, more often then not make an ass out of yourself, but good news is....you were too drunk to remember so after you sober up, most is well.

Setting aside addiction, your body can survive without drugs and alcohol. But food, you NEED food or you'll die. So how do you successfully manage this mess when you can't just walk away?
I like food because it makes me feel better, like a warm blanket right out of the dryer on a crisp autumn afternoon. I like food because it doesn't question me or berate me or judge me.
I do things that an addict does; I shovel spoonful's of peanut butter  in my mouth and pretty much eat an entire day's of calories in five minutes. I'll buy a box of donuts and eat the entire thing on the way home, throw the box in the neighbors trash, and then eat dinner with the family pretending the donut episode ever happened.I can polish off an entire bag of anything Reese's by myself, I don't know maybe Reese's are drugs. I think that may be a possibility.

I think my binge times might be a cover for anxiety. I feel like I have no control over the events happening in my life so I eat. I didn't really think I had anxiety till this year. After an episode with blurry vision that turned quickly into what I thought was a stroke or heart attack, a trip to the doctor and a full work up showed I'm healthy. I am fat as hell but my blood pressure is good, my cholesterol is good, I DON'T have diabetes, I have anxiety. I wanted to have diabetes, isn't that insane? I wanted it to be anything other than my mind but lo and behold, my brain doesn't work right. Damn.... I should of been happy that I still have a chance to get my body healthy without having to carry some excess baggage but I was just numb.

Anxiety feels like it was all for naught. When I was younger I was diagnosed as a manic depressive, of course back 30 years ago the meaning was a little different than now. And to feel like I had just went in one giant circle is frustrating. I want to cry but I can't, I want to scream but I'm silent. I just want something different. I want a different me. I want the me I dream about and look forward to. I want to change my life, I want to find out why.