They say dreams are an extension of our subconscious mind, I'm not exactly sure how true that is. I do believe, if we ponder on our dreams, both good and bad, there is much self examination to be had if we choose to divulge into our own thoughts. Last night, I had a dream I'm sure most married people have had at one time or another, the one where they see their spouse cheating. It's a thought I'd had many times over my marriage, varying from one degree to another. When I was younger and the kids were small, it was a terrifying fear, but as I've gotten older, I've realized you truly have no control over what another person does. You make not like it but that's a reality.

What I found most interesting this morning  was that as I glanced over at my husband as he soundly lay sleeping, I wasn't upset about the sex. In fact in my dream and afterward, that aspect of absorbing the affair left me unfazed, what bothered me is what has always bothered me about the concept....it's the betrayal. I have been married for a long time, eternity actually in comparison to most marriages today and my husband has never been an easy man. He's always been a good man but never an easy one. He's demanding, esoteric, and can be quick with the cruel side of his tongue. He talks more than he listens, is quick to judge, and can berate unrelentlessly when he feels his motives are misconstrued. I love and accept him for who he is but at times his personality can make it extremely difficult to connect deeper parts of myself to him because it feels more like combat than communication. I, for my part, am no saint but for the purpose of this writing, I will leave that for another day.

Accepting people for who they are and all the paradoxes and difficulties in between makes the circumstance of a betrayal all the much more damaging and if it were to happen in my case, irreversible. Besides my dad and my sons, my spouse is the only other man in my life I've ever trusted and believed in. Embracing fear is a vital step in achieving success when transforming your body. You don't know what it's like on the other side. Everyone that's accomplished their weight loss goals says it changes you but until you walk the path, you don't know what will happen to you, how it will change you. I do have fear on what would happen, how this will change me, change my relationship with my spouse. I am afraid of what is coming but I'm more afraid on missing the next 20 years because my body just got tired of being fat and quit. I have to accept the responsibility of being the master of my own existence. I have to walk into the darkness.