How is it that the scale and my feelings don't rectify?
I've been working out and doing yoga and eating pretty good, granted my period is due, it's late actually, should of arrived yesterday. But I think now that I'm stressing out about getting my period to explain my fluctuation in weight it's going to take even longer. 
And yet when I put on my black corduroy pants this morning, they felt looser. 
I'm trying not to get sucked in and defined by the number reflected in the scale but it's hard not to. The decrease in the number equates success, if the number isn't moving or moving in the wrong direction, that translates to failure. It's so hard not to get down on yourself and beat yourself up.  

Yesterday was a good day, I ate well and exercised. Got in some yoga where I could feel my body deepening into the stretch, weights and did a mile walk with toasty bread and lived to tell about it....having the headphones helped tremendously. 
Hopped on the scale this morning though I tried not to...if I get my period in the next few days I'm a happy camper because the number is relative to the situation...but if not, I need to analyze what I'm doing because I must be doing something wrong...or I'm just being an impatient asshole...one of the two. 

Fall is taking too long to get here, it's still very warm for this time of year.
My body enjoys walking in the coolness so that's why I'm looking forward to it.
In about 10 days I'll take another picture in the dressing room at Catherines to compare my body....maybe I'll see a difference but I know when you are this heavy it's hard to tell for a while. I will wear the same shirt and skirt. I need to look right quick and see which ones they are.

Just need to stay on the path and keep consistent....off to add to my motivational pinterest.

P.S. I forgot to share that today I am wearing my Morticia Adams shirt and thought it's not as loose I would like, it's much better than when I bought it six weeks ago....progress made

Just have a quick moment to pop in and write....haven't gotten on the scale in two days.....working hard at working out....started a positive motivational board on my pinterest....TOM should come tomorrow but still pushing ahead...eating good...happy with it.....

Not as sore as I have been :)

Keep nose to the grindstone and just keep pushing forward.....

Small progress is still progress

Consistency is key....no matter how long it takes if I'm consistent, I know I will eventually get there. Last night, I did an hour of ab work and though it was tough I felt pretty good when I was done. So now what I'm thinking is I have to concentrate my body on the area I'm working for an hour each day, except when I walk....If I'm able to do an hour it must be split in 2 30 minute sessions. I'm just not ready for a pure hour again. I'm feeling a bit better about making my phase I exercise goals...it will be tough but doable I believe.

I did not get on the scale today, I can tell I'm retaining a bit of water...my period is due in the next two days so I'm trying not to let the number on the scale throw me off. The old man has a class tonight so I'm thinking yoga when I get home, make dinner, and then 40 minutes of boxing, followed by another session of yoga. The boxing will take a lot out of me. I'm looking to throw 1000 punches, I've done it before so I know I can do it.

Haven't been able to find a swimsuit yet, Catherines and Lane Bryant's website had crap. So I'll check out ebay, wish, and alibabaexpress. Hopefully I'll find something good and not to expensive.

Need to just keep doing what I'm doing.

I didn't have time to post over the weekend...I was having too much fun!!

Weigh in Saturday morning was 311.8, back to where I was last week but still a little short of where I need to be. I was looking to be at 305 by my weigh in on November 5th. I have to remember that all progress is good, no matter how small the increment. 

I took measurements also Saturday morning....those were sobering numbers

50 inches for the waist

62.5 on the hips.

I am as tall as I am around the hips. That was disheartening...a true punch in the gut.

But you can't face the reality if you don't know what it is.

I've really struggled over the last few days with exercising because of some intense aches and pains. Last weeks my legs hurt pretty bad and I was quite concerned but today I really do feel better and am looking forward to a boost up week. My tom is due in 3 days so I know the number I saw this morning on the scale is not accurate but I'd like to come in at 309 or thereabouts next week when I weigh. Because I have two days off of work next week I have shifted my weigh day from Sat to Tues 11/1. 

It's true, I'm not where I wish I was right now but I'm not where I was when I started so I know that as long as I keep going eventually I will get there. Consistency is the key. So many times I have started and stopped but I can't afford to stop this time because if I do I truly believe it will put me in the grave. I've already given away so many moments in my life because of my size. I can't let it have anymore. 

This week has been a bit odd, have not gotten in as much exercise as I wanted to so far, but after finishing the shopping tonight instead of spreading my time shopping over the weekend, I feel I can get a better grasp on getting exercise accomplished and re-boost myself towards my fitness goals. I got an answer back from the Y today, $75.00 to join, $78.00 for a family membership per month which will include all four of us. That will be affordable, just need to get through the month, looks like I can join either next week or on the 4th of November, need to get a swimsuit though, will look online at Catherines.
My leg is still hurting on and off but I don't think I'm going to die, at least not right now anyway. Today I'm getting a measuring tape, hold on...let me write it on the list so I don't forget, done....and I will get some measurements taken. Looking for house cleaning this weekend, taking a walk wearing my new minions headphones, exercising, and finishing my first Christmas garland.
Will post weight tomorrow.....Need to breathe, need to sleep, need to relax.....though I am SUPER proud of my eating.....I have not had junk food or fried garbage and I have not binged. Changing to once I get up from the dinner table, I'm done for the night, except water. Makes me feel good about my choices.....in for the long haul...not the quick fix.

I need to just pause and take a breath. Yesterday's leg pain was very scary, so after I did a bout of yoga, I spent the rest of the evening laying in bed with my legs propped up watching the presidential debate. This morning so far my legs feel much better but we will see what the day brings. I know that in every journey, trials and tribulations are to come. Many difficult obstructions happen along the way, some which you can prepare for, others which you can not.
I think sometimes I fear my life will end long before I am ready for it to and I will have spent too much time wasting away my health due to my own stupid, irrational choices.
What if I die a pathetic loser who didn't take the opportunities given to get her life together? I did push myself too far on Tuesday, maybe doing the WFC and the boxing was just too much. Maybe the answer, at least for now, is to try to get back into the pool as soon as possible. Swimming is low impact and my joints won't be taking such a beating. The yoga is working, doing some weight lifting is working, but I do believe my lower body needs strengthening and I have to throw that into the mix of my exercise. Still working it out and getting it together. I do need some time off of work as well to regain myself mentally. I am taking two days at the end of the month and then will have few full weeks of work left between then and the end of the year. Then I will be taking January 6-January 16th off of work and basically having an exercise sabbatical.
Keep pressing on, keep moving forward.

Today is what I shall refer to as a freak out day, I get these sometimes. I get an ache or pain and think something terrible is happening and I'm going to die or contract some fatal disease. I don't know why I do it, it gets me all freaked out and I either have a full blown panic attack or get close to it.
My legs hurt, my right leg aches pretty bad and my left is just a little sore with a stiff ankle. So I do what any normal red blooded American does in this day and age, I look on the internet.... and of course everything that pops up first is all about DVT and how your blood clot will dislodge and kill you. 
I did hurt the other day and the old man has some stuff he rubs on his sore muscles and after I put some on I felt pretty good. Still it's frustrating....am I hurting because our mattress sucks, or I'm getting used to these new shoes, or today has been slow at work so I have to make sure I get up and move around otherwise my fat ass could just stay in this chair all day and that's not good for me. This chair at work is total crap btw. Or do I have hidden blood clots lurking in my legs and waiting at a moments notice to dislodge and kill me?
ARGH, it's just been an all around mess. 
I did exercise a lot yesterday....did 30 mins WFC abs, 20 minutes boxing, 10 minutes weights, and 30 minutes candlelight yoga. I did work hard so I can see why I would be aching. Maybe I should start always putting in a 15 min yoga routine before I start exercising and then ending with my 30 minutes. I felt great while doing yoga. 
I need to start doing exercises at my desk during the week. 

I like this link
http://www.active.com/fitness/articles/6-ways-to-stay-fit-from-your-seat

I'll put it in here to reference back to when I need it. 
Just need to keep working, keep pushing forward.

Maybe somewhere over the last week I have lost my way. I know that Saturday weigh in was a punch in the gut but I feel like I'm stuck, not making progress as I should. Even after swearing off getting on the scale until Saturday, I was back on this morning and the number wasn't good. I'm not sure what is going on, I did however get to bed earlier last night and got what amounted to a pretty good night's sleep. I can feel the difference today that made. 
I have target goals of individual exercises that I made for the first leg of this journey and to make them I have to get some serious work in. I believe I can do it but I have to better balance my time. I need to shift my grocery shopping date so I can get it done and have the weekend to myself. Right now it is taking too much out of my Saturday and Sunday and I'm wasting away precious time for exercise on the weekends being at the store. So I need to accomplish it all Friday night. 
What do I have left to finish before midnight Dec 23rd....
I have 35.5 hours of yoga
           18 hours of weights
            9 hrs of boxing
            6 hours of cardio dance
           10 hours of wii fitness ab work
           15 hours of walking
            7.5 hours of swimming...

that's 3930 minutes left of exercise and it breaks down to 65+ hours. 
As of today I will mark on my blog posts how many minutes I have left to make it. 
I can do this and it will help the amazing transformation happening in my body....


            

The scale is not moving in the right direction and I'm trying to work through my frustration and not let it take over so today I am going to celebrate a NSV (non scale victory).
A few months ago, I went to Catherine's to do some shopping and came across a skirt that was a steal. It's green and white and goes all the way down to the floor. When I tried it on it fit and felt pretty good, it has a built in slip which is always my favorite kind of non pant item. When I tried it on in the dressing room, I forgot to sit down so it wasn't until after I got home that I realized that upon sitting, the skirt was so tight around my stomach that I couldn't move or breath. So I hung it up in my closet and let it sit.
I am wearing it today and there is no sign of tightness and discomfort at all, in fact I've very relaxed and feeling great.
I realize that I need to change a few things. I need to build up my exercise time, I need to get a tape measure because obviously my body is changing, and I need to start sleeping better. I'm taking my phone with me and laying in bed until all hours of the night playing games. NO MORE!! The lack of restful sleep is really starting to take it's toll. I have had a rough few days, a bad weigh in but my eating is still pretty good. I will not be getting back on the scale at all until Saturday...
I just need to keep going......each day, each step is closer to where I want to be.

Today is the hardest and by far, the worse day I've had. My weight this morning was abysmal, I gained weight and came in at 312.6. My knees, ankles, and calves are hurting very badly, I was limping as I walked around the store parking lot. Nothing is fitting right, I put the same pants on that felt so loose a few days ago and they were tight and uncomfortable. I feel very dejected today and had to fight all day not to stuff food in my face so I could feel better. The old man kept pissing me off, making comments about me getting stuff done for him, and I finally basically just said fuck off but nicer. Here's one, maybe I wouldn't be in this crappy situation if I had spent more time in the last twenty years telling you NO. No I don't want to do that or No, I need to make time for myself so you need to wait. No motherfucker, the answer is no. Then he got all butt hurt and I just shut down. Really? Why is it always about him....I love him but more times than not he's emotionally selfish. 
I need to do some yoga after dinner, I need the quiet the negative forces in my head. I need to work on not binging because food is not going to fix this problem. It never has....I can't do the same thing, it's just going to kill me.

 I'm trying to learn my body's biological timing. It appears two weeks before my period comes I have a few days where I gain some water weight. I'm trying not to let it get me down, staying focused and pushing forward and remembering that I did not gain two pounds in two days. Still it is disheartening. When I put on my shirt and pants today, they did feel more comfortable than the last time I wore them so I know I am making progress.
How we struggle with perception of self is a major challenge in this whole adventure of weight loss. At the beginning, when we look in the mirror we are repulsed and disgusted by what we see. We have allowed ourselves to morph into a flabby blob that represents our utter failure at life. That is reinforced by the number on the scale. It's a lot to process.
So you decide you want to change, change your weight, change your health, change your life. And you begin. You start eating better and exercising. You gain knowledge and insight into what foods you should be consuming and what physical activity you need to engage in. You make lists and charts and plans. You pull out the calendar and make goal dates. On paper, it all looks simple and easily doable as long as you stick to everything laid out in front of you.
But what the paper doesn't address is the self-doubt. How do you embrace and work through those moments when you feel like nothing is every going to really change and you might as well just stop because you are just a big, fat loser anyway? How can you reach deep down inside and muster up courage and fortitude when at your core you are struggling with your value as a person? When the scale doesn't move, it feels like a reinforcement of seeing yourself as less. The bigger you get, the smaller you feel and the harder you try to bury your fear under food, which makes you fatter, which causes more self doubt, which makes your value less and less. It's a vicious cycle.
In my life, I am so used to being and having less, success scares me. It will make me re-examine who I am and how I define myself. But at 43, I have to ask which am I afraid of more....success or not being around for my grandkids? I just don't want to exist for them, I want to be involved with them. I want to be able to play and move and be active. I do not want my children to face the grandparent deficit because of stupid choices I have made.
I must learn to have patience, I must remember it's not about where I am right now, it is about where I will be six months from now.
Work it through......just keep swimming.

So my first 30 days are under my belt, I say that and it sounds like I'm celebrating sobriety. I guess in a weird way I am.
When I think back to the last 30 days there really has been some changes.
Compared to September 10th, I have more energy, I'm more flexible, my legs and back don't ache as bad, exercise feels good (for the most part), I make better food choices and have LESS guilt. I'm more patient with others, content in my own existence, and find I'm able to treat myself to things other than food and not feel bad about it. My breathing is lighter and I sleep much better. Some of my clothes feel looser.
What I need to work on....getting walking into my exercise mix on a regular basis, I almost didn't make the 1.5 mile trek yesterday. I won't try again for a mile and a half until November 25th when Boo Boo comes home for Thanksgiving. I also need to mix in a lower body weight routine to build up my calves and thighs and ankles. I discovered yesterday just how weak they are. I know falling off the deck and slipping on the Frisbee didn't help....but damn...they need work...that's all I'm saying.
I had to stop a few times out on the trail, next month looking to cut the pauses in half.
And I'd really love to be in the water by the end of Nov/beginning of Dec.
nothing helps me more than that. I guess I should start shopping around for a swimsuit.

Today I pushed myself farther than I had in a long time by going on a mile and half hike/walk. I made it but barely, my ankles and thighs hurt but I made it. I'm stiff and sore hours later but I did it. I'm proud of myself even if I'm in pain. 
Next time it will be easier, each time will be better. 
I'm working at it, I'm making progress, I'm moving forward. 

Weigh in

Just got on the scale and very pleased.
Weigh in 311.8
Total loss so far 6.2 pounds
Looking to be at double digit loss before thanksgiving...a little under the weather today...stuffy head, itchy throat, and chest feels a little under pressure so just yoga and weights today if I'm feeling up to it...wanna heal and get better because looking forward to walking at park on Monday with my son
Feeling positive, happy with
progress...slow but steady

I don't know what tomorrow will hold when I step on the scale. This morning when I put on a shirt I haven't worn in a while, it felt baggier and that made me smile. Today is just an easy day, had lemon Greek chicken soup for lunch since my throat is bothering me a wee bit. Thought I'd try to nip getting sick in the bud for several reasons.
1. I hate being sick
2. I have a three day weekend, don't want to spend it ill.
and 3. Stopping exercising is a major mental block I'd like to avoid. I still haven't gotten a measuring tape, I need to do that, not sure why I keep forgetting. Is it age or something more Freudian, do I not want to know....I already know my numbers are hih high....
I need to work in some different weight routines at some time soon, after doing my 1/2 hour of cardio or weights, it feels good just to do a ten minute arm workout while lying on the floor. I know I need to start working different muscles though, I just don't have the endurance yet.
Monday my first 30 days will be under my belt...that's an accomplishment. I only have to do that 31 more times....that's not so bad when you think about it, really....
I've been unhappy with my body for 348 months so 31....not so bad.
Till tomorrow....

  I see each day as a new opportunity to make choices, gain insight, and grow. Is it tough only have enough energy during the week for working, making dinner, cleaning up a bit, and exercising?....yes it is. But for now, that's all I can do. While working cardio dance last night I did notice I had a bit of an easier time, felt like less of a struggle. I love what exercise does for my mind, how yoga makes me feel free and connected, I'm eager to get out on the back porch and do my practice. I wonder if I'll feel more in tune with the world around me, being surrounded by nature as I stretch and breathe.
I need to be nurtured spiritually to keep my thoughts fresh and positive. I work in a very negative environment where others are belittled and feel free to hurl condescending remarks. Sometimes it is extremely difficult but I've come to realize that for years, that was how I saw myself. The inner workings of my mind felt comfortable enough to degrade any part of myself that was different. There was no point in trying to better myself because you can't make worthless trash better no matter what you do.
Sometimes I think back to that summer when I ran every night, I felt so free. That freedom and sense of peace and tranquility is what I'm looking for. The excess weight pulls me down because it affects not only my body, but my mind and emotions as well. It's a reminder of where I've been and what I've been through. It' a scar that I see every time I look in the mirror or feel when I walk up the stairs.
I believe I've been broken for so long, I'm afraid to be anything else.
I've worn chains for so long I'm afraid to be free.
Maybe I'm afraid of what freedom will bring. Maybe I'll wake up and hate the life I'm in and want to leave it. Maybe I'll find I'm worth more than I've been allowing myself to accept.

Today I ache. Last night I did my 10 minute weight workout with the 5 pound dumbbells instead of the 3. I wanted to see if I could do it and keep my form, I did, but I'm sore today. It doesn't help that I slid on the dog's Frisbee and took a dive left side down on the tile floor. Same side as when the dog pulled me off the deck so my left elbow and ankle got another beat down, but I got up, brushed off my pride and didn't use it as an excuse to not exercise. I could have, but I didn't.
I have to stay on track with my exercise, if I don't I find every excuse to not start again. The hardest time for me is when I get sick. If I'm down for a few days, I feel like I've failed and it's hard for me to get back on plan. I'm not sure why, I feel good when I exercise both mentally and physically.
This morning, when I got up I felt good. My waist and abs felt smaller. I weigh during the week but it's never accurate, I sleep like shit weekdays. I need to stop playing games on my phone in bed and get to sleep earlier but it feels nice just to fart around and not have responsibilities for a while. I'm hoping that the more I exercise and the more weight I lose, my energy and stamina will increase. Where it stands now I pretty much work, cook dinner/clean up, and exercise on the weekdays, that's all my body can handle. I do feel better now that I did Sept 10 so I can see progress. 
16 days till I try on my Morticia Adams shirt again.....so much work on the body I have from now till then but I think know it will be worth it.
Looking to get a membership to the Y during the Thanksgiving Holiday, can't wait to get in the water again.

Last night, I did two bouts of yoga, weights, and some boxing....almost didn't make it through the boxing, my calves and feet were killing me. 
So I made the mistake of searching on youtube for yoga for obese people/losing weight. I usually always stay with a version of Sarah Ivanhoe yoga because I really enjoy her and my body feels great at the end. But yesterday I decided let's try something different, I like to do that every once in a while. 

OMG someone needed to explain to Susie Pops or Bubble gum or whatever the hell her name was what obese means and how it affects one's ability to do yoga. The routine was more for an intermediate yoga practitioner who is in reasonable shape. Also breathing in yoga is done in and out of the nose, we do not shove the exhale out through the mouth. I struggled through just because I'm stubborn as hell but I was extremely disappointed. There's 24 minutes of my life I can't get back.

This morning I put on a dress I hadn't worn in a while, I could feel a little bit of a difference, it felt looser. This will be the last time I wear this particular item this year, Fall returns over the weekend and it should be here to stay so this dress will stay in the closet on a hanger until mid-spring. I wonder how it will feel the next time I wear it, maybe it will be so big I won't be able to wear it again...that would awesome!!

In a few days, it will be a month since I've started this journey. I would be delighted to have a 5 pound loss for the month, for every month actually. I used to set my goals too high I think, trying to lose 2 pounds a week, week in and week out. Every time I didn't make it I would feel like a total loser. Five pounds a month is much more reasonable and realistic than 12. I think my overall goal will be to become half the size of when I started, so 159, I could do that. That's about what I weighed when the old man and I started dating. It would take me 32 months, June of 2019, I will be 45. Still young enough to enjoy myself and celebrate my health. 

Each day we choose to get closer or farther away from our ultimate destination. Choose wisely.

Saturday night I did something I hadn't done in years, I went to a haunted house with my daughter and one of her best friends. I had a blast. As an adult, I was much less scared than as a kid, seems the fears of real life shave some of the frightening edge off, but nonetheless, I had a great time. We walked through a cave and the equivalent of a small outdoor obstacle course, it was quite a workout for me. At the end there were a lot of stairs which I struggled with but I know as the months go by, as long as I keep exercising, it will slowly get easier and easier. 

This week I'm looking to focus on exercise because I really want to make my first 5 pound loss this Saturday. I was going to get some makeup at Ulta as a gift for myself, but the child found a website that will save me a lot of money, so I'm gonna use that. I'll be picking out things later today. I'm trying not to be frustrated at how long the body takes to change, I noticed yesterday while doing yoga I'm going deeper into my stretches and that made me smile. It's all about the little victories. 

I need to get a measuring tape so I can get my waist and hip measurements.
Little scatter brained today....didn't sleep too great...I need to crawl into bed earlier and make my bed a place of comfort and beautiful relaxation and peace. At current, it is not :(, the mattress needs to go, it's not supporitive enough. 

Looking to get in 90 minutes of exercise tonight....or at the very least 60. 

Till tomorrow.

I'm very proud of myself today for several reasons...mostly because of last night. After getting out of work and doing some grocery shopping, I found it late and dinner had not yet been completed. After conferring with the spouse and eldest child, a restaurant was picked for us all to meet at and partake in eating. Now this is one our favorite places to dine, upon entering the establishment a beautiful glass counter greets you with about 20 different types of delicious handmade cakes. Beside that a giant turntable dessert tower teases you with more glorious treats, it was like walking into a happy version of hell. 

Anyway, I resisted...had a delicious turkey burger with a side salad, enjoyed myself and felt great this morning....woke up with no guilt and had a great weigh in after sleeping in a bit longer than usual..313.4

So as of today, I'm down 4.6 pounds....need .04 more to get to my first reward...so all is well....

Need to keep working, keep positive, and progress....