I see each day as a new opportunity to make choices, gain insight, and grow. Is it tough only have enough energy during the week for working, making dinner, cleaning up a bit, and exercising?....yes it is. But for now, that's all I can do. While working cardio dance last night I did notice I had a bit of an easier time, felt like less of a struggle. I love what exercise does for my mind, how yoga makes me feel free and connected, I'm eager to get out on the back porch and do my practice. I wonder if I'll feel more in tune with the world around me, being surrounded by nature as I stretch and breathe.
I need to be nurtured spiritually to keep my thoughts fresh and positive. I work in a very negative environment where others are belittled and feel free to hurl condescending remarks. Sometimes it is extremely difficult but I've come to realize that for years, that was how I saw myself. The inner workings of my mind felt comfortable enough to degrade any part of myself that was different. There was no point in trying to better myself because you can't make worthless trash better no matter what you do.
Sometimes I think back to that summer when I ran every night, I felt so free. That freedom and sense of peace and tranquility is what I'm looking for. The excess weight pulls me down because it affects not only my body, but my mind and emotions as well. It's a reminder of where I've been and what I've been through. It' a scar that I see every time I look in the mirror or feel when I walk up the stairs.
I believe I've been broken for so long, I'm afraid to be anything else.
I've worn chains for so long I'm afraid to be free.
Maybe I'm afraid of what freedom will bring. Maybe I'll wake up and hate the life I'm in and want to leave it. Maybe I'll find I'm worth more than I've been allowing myself to accept.