I'm trying to learn my body's biological timing. It appears two weeks before my period comes I have a few days where I gain some water weight. I'm trying not to let it get me down, staying focused and pushing forward and remembering that I did not gain two pounds in two days. Still it is disheartening. When I put on my shirt and pants today, they did feel more comfortable than the last time I wore them so I know I am making progress.
How we struggle with perception of self is a major challenge in this whole adventure of weight loss. At the beginning, when we look in the mirror we are repulsed and disgusted by what we see. We have allowed ourselves to morph into a flabby blob that represents our utter failure at life. That is reinforced by the number on the scale. It's a lot to process.
So you decide you want to change, change your weight, change your health, change your life. And you begin. You start eating better and exercising. You gain knowledge and insight into what foods you should be consuming and what physical activity you need to engage in. You make lists and charts and plans. You pull out the calendar and make goal dates. On paper, it all looks simple and easily doable as long as you stick to everything laid out in front of you.
But what the paper doesn't address is the self-doubt. How do you embrace and work through those moments when you feel like nothing is every going to really change and you might as well just stop because you are just a big, fat loser anyway? How can you reach deep down inside and muster up courage and fortitude when at your core you are struggling with your value as a person? When the scale doesn't move, it feels like a reinforcement of seeing yourself as less. The bigger you get, the smaller you feel and the harder you try to bury your fear under food, which makes you fatter, which causes more self doubt, which makes your value less and less. It's a vicious cycle.
In my life, I am so used to being and having less, success scares me. It will make me re-examine who I am and how I define myself. But at 43, I have to ask which am I afraid of more....success or not being around for my grandkids? I just don't want to exist for them, I want to be involved with them. I want to be able to play and move and be active. I do not want my children to face the grandparent deficit because of stupid choices I have made.
I must learn to have patience, I must remember it's not about where I am right now, it is about where I will be six months from now.
Work it through......just keep swimming.