Argh....I am struggling, holiday struggling, Saturday morning my weight was the same as last week 301.8 and I was happy because I was on my period. But Saturday I wrestled all day with eating, I felt like I was starving and couldn't get full. Sunday was just as bad and I didn't exercise. I overate all weekend.
The house is full of people, I'm a bit stressed about making it thru the week. My weight this morning was 303....I wanted to cry....I just have to buckle down the next five days and stay on target....I didn't journal over the weekend concerning my food...HUGE mistake.....That is a super important part of my plan, I have to do it everyday....
I still can weigh in at 300 or 299 on Saturday but only if I stay focused....I must not become distracted. I must keep going...I must keep on the path....

TOM came late yesterday so at least I won't have it for Christmas or New Year's.....YEAH!!!
Ate a little bit more than usual for today due to our lunch Christmas party, though I will say I was good and did not overindulge. I basically had two bites of the things I put on my plate and that was a HUGE difference from last year.
I haven't exercised this week like I would have hoped but it has been a bit crazy trying to get everything done but I'm still proud of how I'm doing.
I have a lot of pain today in my back and legs and a touch of cramps so that's not good. Just have to make it through the next few days and be on target next week and I'll be ok.....Food will be very important and I have to get in the pool!!! NO EXCEPTIONS!!

Struggling with time is one of my greatest weaknesses in the journey to put my health back together. It seems between work, shopping, cleaning, and just living it is difficult at times to find the moments to exercise as much as I'd like. I wonder if when it's just Pablo and I if I will get some of the time back that I feel now I have to forfeit for one thing or another.
Though I am consistent, I wish each weekday I could easily find an hour or two to get in all the fitness I'd like. I think I may research how to adjust my sleeping patterns so that maybe getting back to morning yoga could become a thing.
I'm still trying to figure everything out and am willing to adjust as necessary.
I have to remember that it's a process.

This weekend was a smidge off food plan....I think my TOM is coming soon, the cravings over the last two days were quiet intense. The worst of it was I ate 1 1/2 of Maggie's homemade cinnamon rolls with a glass of milk late (around 10-10:30) but we had walked at the zoo for almost three hours. I woke up at 3:00 with some acid so....that's something I may have to stop...regardless.

I'm bunkering down and focusing on this week. I'm hopeful to see a number in the 300 range on Saturday....maybe 299 but if my period is coming that's not realistic and I'll need a full week of exercise to accomplish either goal. I'm looking to swim four days this week Mon-Thurs with Thursday being my first mile attempt.

Need to work in yoga on  more consistent basis, I can tell my body needs to be stretched especially when it's cold out and my weights are also super important. Thinking about maybe after the first of the year getting up a little earlier to do some exercise in the living room. Maybe just yoga...I don't really know yet...just toying around with the idea.

Weigh in

Today 301.8 looked up at me from the scale....made my next five pound loss goal so this week i get my jinx towel☺  have to work hard and stay focused for the next two weeks to make 298....im so close to getting under 300.....just keep swimming

Excited about tomorrow.....hoping for a great weigh in in the morning.....
Been doing great with exercise and eating so hopeful for a great number.....
Very proud with how I have been doing.....

So I've had a pretty good week, not great but good. I swam 60 laps at the pool on Monday and am only 12 laps away from swimming a mile. Looking to accomplish that on 12/21, so far I'm on target. Had a good walk with Toasty last night. Would love to get the point I can walk her everyday or walk her for 2 miles or so. She's not pooped out at the end of our walk, I need to exhaust the dog but I'm not there yet. I'm looking to adding on some yardage on my walks starting next week maybe or tomorrow. I do two of the three street loops in the little neighborhood by the house but maybe now I should add on the third. We shall see.

forgot to add in weight past Saturday 305.4
Getting closer to 298!

So last night I let the old man read some of this blog, after I had handed him the laptop and left to take the dog for a walk, I thought....oh no, I hope this was a smart decision. Of course by that time it was too late but I think it turned out pretty good. It's hard sometimes to be able to put into words what you are trying to say or what your meaning is exactly, for me it has always been easier to write then to speak. Somehow when I write I'm able to connect my thoughts smoother from one to another when I put them down on paper. 
It's been a bit of a rough week for exercise, it's Thursday and I haven't even gotten to the pool yet. I have been doing yoga and last night I took what I would describe as the easiest mile I've done in a long time with Toasty bread. I am making progress.
I still believe that I can make 299-298 by christmas eve and I'm working to get in my 2000 minutes by Christmas Eve morning.
I looked up to see if I could find any charity walks for this month and the next few months. It's harder when you can just do the mile, many have a minimum of a 5k but I'm not quite there yet. Getting closer. 
I made a list of sorts out of my clothes. I have a group of items with dates on them to try on and see if I can feel any difference, they run from Christmas to August of next year. Just another avenue to gage success. 
Forgot to post my progress pics. I think I can see a difference but I'm really not sure yet. I feel one though.

Just have to keep going....

After surviving Thanksgiving and not being in too bad of a state, I'm decided to try and upcharge my exercise with a goal of getting in 2000 minutes between now and midnight Dec 23rd. I got some yoga in yesterday though I totally crashed on my chair after dinner and spent the rest of the evening in a coma. But I did have a good, active four day holiday and yesterday at work it was SUPER busy so I truly was exhausted.

I still believe I can achieve 298 on Christmas Eve morning making my total loss 20 from Sept 10 to then. Not bad for an old lady.

Next year it's all about health and getting out of debt.

2017 will be the greatest year.

So today is the Saturday after thanksgiving and i weighed in at 306.2....
Im happy that i weighed less than last week but after seeing 303.8 on the scale Wednesday it was kinda hard to take actually...i ate off plan one day and i didnt think i did too bad but then friday mornings weight was 308.6...that was devastating so i ate good yesterday and walked around for a few hours downtown at the aquarium and what not and then did 56 laps in the pool last night...on top of the one mile walk i did thanksgiving....it was a lot of work for just one day of eating but i guess thats my life now....so i will really have to watch myself on christmas eve and christmas day...there is no more time off for me....its too high of a price to pay...the setback is too dilbilitating.
Food is not a reward..i am not a dog

Today is the day before Thanksgiving and I got on the scale this morning and saw a beautiful number.....I don't want to get to attached to it though because of tomorrow....but I just called the Y and they are open on Friday so I think I will get in some Friday night swimming to counterbalance tomorrow...I'm so close to my next reward goal, I'd love to be able to make that next Saturday the 3rd of December. Puts my 299 Christmas eve goal even closer and even more doable. 

Just need to keep my head down and stay focused. 298 puts me at a 20 pound loss. That would be the best christmas present!!! Why? Because I earned it. 

Slowly thinking ahead.....what would be reasonably possible for April when I go see my gram....286 maybe? which would be 32 pounds since Sept. 10th....

Everyone once in a while I kick around numbers and wonder where I will be at in a year...but I try not to get too wrapped up in that....for me I think it pulls me off track somewhat..

I've been at it for 74 days and I'm pretty proud of how far I've come and how much I've done....I will take measurements in the morning and see where I'm at...

Today I wore my Thanksgiving brown shirt...it fits, I'd prefer it a little looser but at least I was able to get it on and I can move around in it somewhat....

I won't wear it again till December 30th and see if I can tell any difference in how it fits. 

Keep movin....keep workin...keep achievin...

Ok so today I'm much more calmer than I was last night....sometimes I just get so frustrated when it feels like I have to fight to get two hours to exercise...I'm like really? Why should taking time to get healthier feel like such a struggle? Especially after the house is clean and dishes are done. I was upset and angry but I was determined to get to the pool regardless...and I did. 

I wish that I had enough strength and fortitude to be able to get the same vigorous workout on land that I do in the pool but I'm just not at that point yet. I will be if I just keep going...it may take a year or more but I can get there.

I did 52 laps in the pool last night which equates to 1300 meters. I"m about 460 meters short of a mile but if I stay on pace I will do my first mile right before Christmas....that will be a present for me. 

I got on the scale today and saw a beautiful number BUT considering Thanksgiving is Thursday I'll be quite happy if I just come in at the same as last week 306.6. I am watching my eating and exercising this week hoping to counterbalance any gain I may experience from the holiday. I'm working hard to be proactive and address the issue and devise a plan beforehand, not just deal with the destructive aftermath.

Bullshit

Sometimes it feels like you get treated like dirt by standing up for yourself because those around you are so used to walking all over you and getting you to put their needs over your own they cant handle it when you choose to be selfish and take care of your health.
Well fuck them.. thats part of how i got into this situation so if you have to treat me like trash to make yourself feel better...go ahead i dont care im still going to the pool

EWWW....everyone's difficult time for food is coming...the holidays...the season of splurge and plunder....the season of eating till we explode and gorging the table of sweets and savories that any other time of the year we wouldn't touch...the season of excess and indulgence.....the season to throw your commitment to exercise to the wind and pile on the pounds.....the season of eating freedom.....

Or so it seems because then it is followed by the season of "what the fuck did I just do?", we become trampled by feelings of guilt and regret....we step on the scale and make sounds of frustration, disappointment, and sadness...and I guess now I wonder why?

Why is putting excess junk in our bodies seen as a reward or gift or right?
We are not dogs...we should not reward good behavior with food. 
So I enter this week with a plan...eat like I do Monday-Wednesday, work out each day....thanksgiving walk in a relay in the morning and then eat to enjoy not to intoxicate. I'm thinking one plate, a few bites of each thing, no refills for at least 20 minutes to see if it is even necessary. And then one slice of pie and one of cake for dessert and that's it....

My goal is to break even on my weigh in the Sat after Thanksgiving.....

It's been a while since I've posted...not because I've been bad just because I've been busy. Lowering my salt intake has really been a benefit, I feel better, ache less, and my skin doesn't feel as dry. I took a few days off from exercise to heal...was having someone pain in my back upper right shoulder area and my knee but today I'll be able to get back on track. Hopped on the scale this morning and saw 307.....I was soooooo happy. Hopefully my swimsuit will be showing up tomorrow so maybe tomorrow night I'll be in the pool....
I need to keep doing what I'm doing

Nevermind my swimsuit came today so in a few hours from now I'll be in the pool....I love the water....

My next goal is to get to 303 and get a Jinx Monsoon towel as a reward....I'm really starting to believe I can get there sometime in the first 10 days of December.....argh....awesome!!! and 299 by christmas eve morning is possible...that would make a 19 pound loss since Sept...


I have given myself Thanksgiving as a day with no food journaling. I have to make a commitment to myself that it only lasts that one day though. I'm thinking I don't want to take a massive hit from that day and have it take 4 weeks to get back where I was beforehand...so not worth it....I'm keeping everything reasonably healthy for Thanksgiving....

Took a weight this morning instead of tomorrow since I was off work anyway........and 308 is what I'm down to...and I'm on my period too!!
Cutting the salt down is working so I'll continue on with that. Added walking to my exercise regimen and it's helping alot. 
Tomorrow I join the Y..now I just need a swimsuit.
299 by Christmas eve is possible....just keep working hard

This morning I decided to pop on the scale...just to see if I'm on track and how cutting salt is affecting my body. I have noticed changes, I seem to be happier, I have more energy, and my aches and pains are much less.
309.8 was the number staring back at me and I almost started to cry I was so happy.
Because I stood there this morning and thought 299 on Christmas Eve morning is really possible.
A little sore, I've walked 3 days in a row a mile or close to it each night with the puppies...had some shin pain yesterday so I'll take a break from walking and do something else tonight....I may need some insoles for my sneakers or just new gym shoes period.
Can't wait to get in the pool!!!!!

Today just a quick pop in.....we changed the clocks back Saturday night so I'm still getting used to that...how stupid.....we should stop....

Anyway, things are looking up...been walking the dogs and night and feels great...family will do a turkey trot on Thanksgiving...keeping an eye on my salt and so far it seems to be working....

LESS ACHES AND PAINS AFTER CUTTING THE SALT WAY BACK...makes you think????

Joining the Y Friday, it's looking good!!!

Feeling so much better about everything....I've spent two days tracking my calories and salt from morning to before dinner and I can feel the difference. 
this morning the scale was back down to 311.8 and I'm very excited about what the next seven weeks will bring as long as I stay consistent.... makes me feel very positive about the future. I believe I can make it to 299 Christmas eve morning.....

need to keep exercising and pushing myself to new limits.....
Losing weight is hard....being overweight is hard.....I choose which one I want to experience...

So today is slap in the face day....I get on the scale this morning and saw a number that sent me over the edge....I was at 315. I was totally confused...how can this be...what is going on...I'm eating good, exercising regularly....and then I decided to make a food journal and write down everything I eat. It's not even late afternoon and I can already see the issues. I was eating way more than I thought I was, drinking tons of calories and not working out and burning off as many calories as I thought. Well...shit....
First of all, after this last package of propel is gone no more of that.....though it is calorie and sugar free, it has 10% of the daily value of sodium....wtf....some days I drink three bottles...that means I've drank 30% of my daily salt before I even stuck one thing in my mouth to eat....not good....I've determined my body sucks at getting rid of salt.
Next, I drink a ton of calories every day, each cup of coffee with creamer is at least 140 calories.....I did learn this morning I can cut that down to 105 which I'm more comfortable with honestly. At lunch I would come home and have milk to drink, I would have a big glass of chocolate milk...that was probably 400 calories itself, I measured one cup of 2% and it was one third of what I normally drink at lunch. Then I would snack on mountain trail mix...you know the kind with the M&M's in it...yeah I was probably eating 300-400 calories in that alone. OMG this is certainly a wake up call but I do feel great because I realize that by journaling my food and exercise output, I could make my goal of 299 by Christmas/New Years.
I feel a bit of a fool, but I feel very positive about where I'm headed now.


ONWARD!!!

October was a very hard month, honestly I'm glad it's over. I'm not sure what is going on with my body. I didn't have a period for all of October, my last one ended on Sept 30th. My old phone that had my periods for the last 8 months or so on it got broken so now I'm just trying to figure things out. My weight for October was disappointing to say the least. I started at 313.4 and ended at 313.8 but yet my waist is smaller and I have more energy and I don't ache as much. With the old period tracker app it was correct within a day or two. Now I'm just struggling to discover am I gaining weight or is my period due? My eating this past week has been good, not great, I feel like I'm struggling with cravings but is it hormones or am I just being a fat ass cow? 
I took two days off work but I didn't get as much exercise done as I wanted, between the insurance debacle and editing April's thesis, I didn't have as much time for myself as I wanted....not a surprise. Also I slept in both days and though I really don't do that anymore it did feel kinda good. 
I had a big lunch at home, 2 eggs, some tortilla chips, milk, and a pan de muerta but it's ok as long as dinner is all I have. 
I do realize that I'm struggling with getting in my five fruits and veggies a day so that needs to be a top priority for November. Also getting back to having anywhere from an hour to two hours each day just for me is vital to my success. I have 52 days to get my weight under 300.....I would love just to see the first fucking number be a two, just a god damn two. 
Stay on target, stay focused. Make a plan. I think I may food journal from wake up time to before dinner and see what's happening there. I need to get in my five fruits and veggies before dinner that way the pressure is off and I already feel successful. 
It's a work in progress, it's an effort, it's a job but I'm better than I was on Sept 10th, and I'll be better on Dec 23 regardless of what the scale says.

How is it that the scale and my feelings don't rectify?
I've been working out and doing yoga and eating pretty good, granted my period is due, it's late actually, should of arrived yesterday. But I think now that I'm stressing out about getting my period to explain my fluctuation in weight it's going to take even longer. 
And yet when I put on my black corduroy pants this morning, they felt looser. 
I'm trying not to get sucked in and defined by the number reflected in the scale but it's hard not to. The decrease in the number equates success, if the number isn't moving or moving in the wrong direction, that translates to failure. It's so hard not to get down on yourself and beat yourself up.  

Yesterday was a good day, I ate well and exercised. Got in some yoga where I could feel my body deepening into the stretch, weights and did a mile walk with toasty bread and lived to tell about it....having the headphones helped tremendously. 
Hopped on the scale this morning though I tried not to...if I get my period in the next few days I'm a happy camper because the number is relative to the situation...but if not, I need to analyze what I'm doing because I must be doing something wrong...or I'm just being an impatient asshole...one of the two. 

Fall is taking too long to get here, it's still very warm for this time of year.
My body enjoys walking in the coolness so that's why I'm looking forward to it.
In about 10 days I'll take another picture in the dressing room at Catherines to compare my body....maybe I'll see a difference but I know when you are this heavy it's hard to tell for a while. I will wear the same shirt and skirt. I need to look right quick and see which ones they are.

Just need to stay on the path and keep consistent....off to add to my motivational pinterest.

P.S. I forgot to share that today I am wearing my Morticia Adams shirt and thought it's not as loose I would like, it's much better than when I bought it six weeks ago....progress made

Just have a quick moment to pop in and write....haven't gotten on the scale in two days.....working hard at working out....started a positive motivational board on my pinterest....TOM should come tomorrow but still pushing ahead...eating good...happy with it.....

Not as sore as I have been :)

Keep nose to the grindstone and just keep pushing forward.....

Small progress is still progress

Consistency is key....no matter how long it takes if I'm consistent, I know I will eventually get there. Last night, I did an hour of ab work and though it was tough I felt pretty good when I was done. So now what I'm thinking is I have to concentrate my body on the area I'm working for an hour each day, except when I walk....If I'm able to do an hour it must be split in 2 30 minute sessions. I'm just not ready for a pure hour again. I'm feeling a bit better about making my phase I exercise goals...it will be tough but doable I believe.

I did not get on the scale today, I can tell I'm retaining a bit of water...my period is due in the next two days so I'm trying not to let the number on the scale throw me off. The old man has a class tonight so I'm thinking yoga when I get home, make dinner, and then 40 minutes of boxing, followed by another session of yoga. The boxing will take a lot out of me. I'm looking to throw 1000 punches, I've done it before so I know I can do it.

Haven't been able to find a swimsuit yet, Catherines and Lane Bryant's website had crap. So I'll check out ebay, wish, and alibabaexpress. Hopefully I'll find something good and not to expensive.

Need to just keep doing what I'm doing.

I didn't have time to post over the weekend...I was having too much fun!!

Weigh in Saturday morning was 311.8, back to where I was last week but still a little short of where I need to be. I was looking to be at 305 by my weigh in on November 5th. I have to remember that all progress is good, no matter how small the increment. 

I took measurements also Saturday morning....those were sobering numbers

50 inches for the waist

62.5 on the hips.

I am as tall as I am around the hips. That was disheartening...a true punch in the gut.

But you can't face the reality if you don't know what it is.

I've really struggled over the last few days with exercising because of some intense aches and pains. Last weeks my legs hurt pretty bad and I was quite concerned but today I really do feel better and am looking forward to a boost up week. My tom is due in 3 days so I know the number I saw this morning on the scale is not accurate but I'd like to come in at 309 or thereabouts next week when I weigh. Because I have two days off of work next week I have shifted my weigh day from Sat to Tues 11/1. 

It's true, I'm not where I wish I was right now but I'm not where I was when I started so I know that as long as I keep going eventually I will get there. Consistency is the key. So many times I have started and stopped but I can't afford to stop this time because if I do I truly believe it will put me in the grave. I've already given away so many moments in my life because of my size. I can't let it have anymore. 

This week has been a bit odd, have not gotten in as much exercise as I wanted to so far, but after finishing the shopping tonight instead of spreading my time shopping over the weekend, I feel I can get a better grasp on getting exercise accomplished and re-boost myself towards my fitness goals. I got an answer back from the Y today, $75.00 to join, $78.00 for a family membership per month which will include all four of us. That will be affordable, just need to get through the month, looks like I can join either next week or on the 4th of November, need to get a swimsuit though, will look online at Catherines.
My leg is still hurting on and off but I don't think I'm going to die, at least not right now anyway. Today I'm getting a measuring tape, hold on...let me write it on the list so I don't forget, done....and I will get some measurements taken. Looking for house cleaning this weekend, taking a walk wearing my new minions headphones, exercising, and finishing my first Christmas garland.
Will post weight tomorrow.....Need to breathe, need to sleep, need to relax.....though I am SUPER proud of my eating.....I have not had junk food or fried garbage and I have not binged. Changing to once I get up from the dinner table, I'm done for the night, except water. Makes me feel good about my choices.....in for the long haul...not the quick fix.

I need to just pause and take a breath. Yesterday's leg pain was very scary, so after I did a bout of yoga, I spent the rest of the evening laying in bed with my legs propped up watching the presidential debate. This morning so far my legs feel much better but we will see what the day brings. I know that in every journey, trials and tribulations are to come. Many difficult obstructions happen along the way, some which you can prepare for, others which you can not.
I think sometimes I fear my life will end long before I am ready for it to and I will have spent too much time wasting away my health due to my own stupid, irrational choices.
What if I die a pathetic loser who didn't take the opportunities given to get her life together? I did push myself too far on Tuesday, maybe doing the WFC and the boxing was just too much. Maybe the answer, at least for now, is to try to get back into the pool as soon as possible. Swimming is low impact and my joints won't be taking such a beating. The yoga is working, doing some weight lifting is working, but I do believe my lower body needs strengthening and I have to throw that into the mix of my exercise. Still working it out and getting it together. I do need some time off of work as well to regain myself mentally. I am taking two days at the end of the month and then will have few full weeks of work left between then and the end of the year. Then I will be taking January 6-January 16th off of work and basically having an exercise sabbatical.
Keep pressing on, keep moving forward.

Today is what I shall refer to as a freak out day, I get these sometimes. I get an ache or pain and think something terrible is happening and I'm going to die or contract some fatal disease. I don't know why I do it, it gets me all freaked out and I either have a full blown panic attack or get close to it.
My legs hurt, my right leg aches pretty bad and my left is just a little sore with a stiff ankle. So I do what any normal red blooded American does in this day and age, I look on the internet.... and of course everything that pops up first is all about DVT and how your blood clot will dislodge and kill you. 
I did hurt the other day and the old man has some stuff he rubs on his sore muscles and after I put some on I felt pretty good. Still it's frustrating....am I hurting because our mattress sucks, or I'm getting used to these new shoes, or today has been slow at work so I have to make sure I get up and move around otherwise my fat ass could just stay in this chair all day and that's not good for me. This chair at work is total crap btw. Or do I have hidden blood clots lurking in my legs and waiting at a moments notice to dislodge and kill me?
ARGH, it's just been an all around mess. 
I did exercise a lot yesterday....did 30 mins WFC abs, 20 minutes boxing, 10 minutes weights, and 30 minutes candlelight yoga. I did work hard so I can see why I would be aching. Maybe I should start always putting in a 15 min yoga routine before I start exercising and then ending with my 30 minutes. I felt great while doing yoga. 
I need to start doing exercises at my desk during the week. 

I like this link
http://www.active.com/fitness/articles/6-ways-to-stay-fit-from-your-seat

I'll put it in here to reference back to when I need it. 
Just need to keep working, keep pushing forward.

Maybe somewhere over the last week I have lost my way. I know that Saturday weigh in was a punch in the gut but I feel like I'm stuck, not making progress as I should. Even after swearing off getting on the scale until Saturday, I was back on this morning and the number wasn't good. I'm not sure what is going on, I did however get to bed earlier last night and got what amounted to a pretty good night's sleep. I can feel the difference today that made. 
I have target goals of individual exercises that I made for the first leg of this journey and to make them I have to get some serious work in. I believe I can do it but I have to better balance my time. I need to shift my grocery shopping date so I can get it done and have the weekend to myself. Right now it is taking too much out of my Saturday and Sunday and I'm wasting away precious time for exercise on the weekends being at the store. So I need to accomplish it all Friday night. 
What do I have left to finish before midnight Dec 23rd....
I have 35.5 hours of yoga
           18 hours of weights
            9 hrs of boxing
            6 hours of cardio dance
           10 hours of wii fitness ab work
           15 hours of walking
            7.5 hours of swimming...

that's 3930 minutes left of exercise and it breaks down to 65+ hours. 
As of today I will mark on my blog posts how many minutes I have left to make it. 
I can do this and it will help the amazing transformation happening in my body....


            

The scale is not moving in the right direction and I'm trying to work through my frustration and not let it take over so today I am going to celebrate a NSV (non scale victory).
A few months ago, I went to Catherine's to do some shopping and came across a skirt that was a steal. It's green and white and goes all the way down to the floor. When I tried it on it fit and felt pretty good, it has a built in slip which is always my favorite kind of non pant item. When I tried it on in the dressing room, I forgot to sit down so it wasn't until after I got home that I realized that upon sitting, the skirt was so tight around my stomach that I couldn't move or breath. So I hung it up in my closet and let it sit.
I am wearing it today and there is no sign of tightness and discomfort at all, in fact I've very relaxed and feeling great.
I realize that I need to change a few things. I need to build up my exercise time, I need to get a tape measure because obviously my body is changing, and I need to start sleeping better. I'm taking my phone with me and laying in bed until all hours of the night playing games. NO MORE!! The lack of restful sleep is really starting to take it's toll. I have had a rough few days, a bad weigh in but my eating is still pretty good. I will not be getting back on the scale at all until Saturday...
I just need to keep going......each day, each step is closer to where I want to be.

Today is the hardest and by far, the worse day I've had. My weight this morning was abysmal, I gained weight and came in at 312.6. My knees, ankles, and calves are hurting very badly, I was limping as I walked around the store parking lot. Nothing is fitting right, I put the same pants on that felt so loose a few days ago and they were tight and uncomfortable. I feel very dejected today and had to fight all day not to stuff food in my face so I could feel better. The old man kept pissing me off, making comments about me getting stuff done for him, and I finally basically just said fuck off but nicer. Here's one, maybe I wouldn't be in this crappy situation if I had spent more time in the last twenty years telling you NO. No I don't want to do that or No, I need to make time for myself so you need to wait. No motherfucker, the answer is no. Then he got all butt hurt and I just shut down. Really? Why is it always about him....I love him but more times than not he's emotionally selfish. 
I need to do some yoga after dinner, I need the quiet the negative forces in my head. I need to work on not binging because food is not going to fix this problem. It never has....I can't do the same thing, it's just going to kill me.

 I'm trying to learn my body's biological timing. It appears two weeks before my period comes I have a few days where I gain some water weight. I'm trying not to let it get me down, staying focused and pushing forward and remembering that I did not gain two pounds in two days. Still it is disheartening. When I put on my shirt and pants today, they did feel more comfortable than the last time I wore them so I know I am making progress.
How we struggle with perception of self is a major challenge in this whole adventure of weight loss. At the beginning, when we look in the mirror we are repulsed and disgusted by what we see. We have allowed ourselves to morph into a flabby blob that represents our utter failure at life. That is reinforced by the number on the scale. It's a lot to process.
So you decide you want to change, change your weight, change your health, change your life. And you begin. You start eating better and exercising. You gain knowledge and insight into what foods you should be consuming and what physical activity you need to engage in. You make lists and charts and plans. You pull out the calendar and make goal dates. On paper, it all looks simple and easily doable as long as you stick to everything laid out in front of you.
But what the paper doesn't address is the self-doubt. How do you embrace and work through those moments when you feel like nothing is every going to really change and you might as well just stop because you are just a big, fat loser anyway? How can you reach deep down inside and muster up courage and fortitude when at your core you are struggling with your value as a person? When the scale doesn't move, it feels like a reinforcement of seeing yourself as less. The bigger you get, the smaller you feel and the harder you try to bury your fear under food, which makes you fatter, which causes more self doubt, which makes your value less and less. It's a vicious cycle.
In my life, I am so used to being and having less, success scares me. It will make me re-examine who I am and how I define myself. But at 43, I have to ask which am I afraid of more....success or not being around for my grandkids? I just don't want to exist for them, I want to be involved with them. I want to be able to play and move and be active. I do not want my children to face the grandparent deficit because of stupid choices I have made.
I must learn to have patience, I must remember it's not about where I am right now, it is about where I will be six months from now.
Work it through......just keep swimming.

So my first 30 days are under my belt, I say that and it sounds like I'm celebrating sobriety. I guess in a weird way I am.
When I think back to the last 30 days there really has been some changes.
Compared to September 10th, I have more energy, I'm more flexible, my legs and back don't ache as bad, exercise feels good (for the most part), I make better food choices and have LESS guilt. I'm more patient with others, content in my own existence, and find I'm able to treat myself to things other than food and not feel bad about it. My breathing is lighter and I sleep much better. Some of my clothes feel looser.
What I need to work on....getting walking into my exercise mix on a regular basis, I almost didn't make the 1.5 mile trek yesterday. I won't try again for a mile and a half until November 25th when Boo Boo comes home for Thanksgiving. I also need to mix in a lower body weight routine to build up my calves and thighs and ankles. I discovered yesterday just how weak they are. I know falling off the deck and slipping on the Frisbee didn't help....but damn...they need work...that's all I'm saying.
I had to stop a few times out on the trail, next month looking to cut the pauses in half.
And I'd really love to be in the water by the end of Nov/beginning of Dec.
nothing helps me more than that. I guess I should start shopping around for a swimsuit.

Today I pushed myself farther than I had in a long time by going on a mile and half hike/walk. I made it but barely, my ankles and thighs hurt but I made it. I'm stiff and sore hours later but I did it. I'm proud of myself even if I'm in pain. 
Next time it will be easier, each time will be better. 
I'm working at it, I'm making progress, I'm moving forward. 

Weigh in

Just got on the scale and very pleased.
Weigh in 311.8
Total loss so far 6.2 pounds
Looking to be at double digit loss before thanksgiving...a little under the weather today...stuffy head, itchy throat, and chest feels a little under pressure so just yoga and weights today if I'm feeling up to it...wanna heal and get better because looking forward to walking at park on Monday with my son
Feeling positive, happy with
progress...slow but steady

I don't know what tomorrow will hold when I step on the scale. This morning when I put on a shirt I haven't worn in a while, it felt baggier and that made me smile. Today is just an easy day, had lemon Greek chicken soup for lunch since my throat is bothering me a wee bit. Thought I'd try to nip getting sick in the bud for several reasons.
1. I hate being sick
2. I have a three day weekend, don't want to spend it ill.
and 3. Stopping exercising is a major mental block I'd like to avoid. I still haven't gotten a measuring tape, I need to do that, not sure why I keep forgetting. Is it age or something more Freudian, do I not want to know....I already know my numbers are hih high....
I need to work in some different weight routines at some time soon, after doing my 1/2 hour of cardio or weights, it feels good just to do a ten minute arm workout while lying on the floor. I know I need to start working different muscles though, I just don't have the endurance yet.
Monday my first 30 days will be under my belt...that's an accomplishment. I only have to do that 31 more times....that's not so bad when you think about it, really....
I've been unhappy with my body for 348 months so 31....not so bad.
Till tomorrow....

  I see each day as a new opportunity to make choices, gain insight, and grow. Is it tough only have enough energy during the week for working, making dinner, cleaning up a bit, and exercising?....yes it is. But for now, that's all I can do. While working cardio dance last night I did notice I had a bit of an easier time, felt like less of a struggle. I love what exercise does for my mind, how yoga makes me feel free and connected, I'm eager to get out on the back porch and do my practice. I wonder if I'll feel more in tune with the world around me, being surrounded by nature as I stretch and breathe.
I need to be nurtured spiritually to keep my thoughts fresh and positive. I work in a very negative environment where others are belittled and feel free to hurl condescending remarks. Sometimes it is extremely difficult but I've come to realize that for years, that was how I saw myself. The inner workings of my mind felt comfortable enough to degrade any part of myself that was different. There was no point in trying to better myself because you can't make worthless trash better no matter what you do.
Sometimes I think back to that summer when I ran every night, I felt so free. That freedom and sense of peace and tranquility is what I'm looking for. The excess weight pulls me down because it affects not only my body, but my mind and emotions as well. It's a reminder of where I've been and what I've been through. It' a scar that I see every time I look in the mirror or feel when I walk up the stairs.
I believe I've been broken for so long, I'm afraid to be anything else.
I've worn chains for so long I'm afraid to be free.
Maybe I'm afraid of what freedom will bring. Maybe I'll wake up and hate the life I'm in and want to leave it. Maybe I'll find I'm worth more than I've been allowing myself to accept.

Today I ache. Last night I did my 10 minute weight workout with the 5 pound dumbbells instead of the 3. I wanted to see if I could do it and keep my form, I did, but I'm sore today. It doesn't help that I slid on the dog's Frisbee and took a dive left side down on the tile floor. Same side as when the dog pulled me off the deck so my left elbow and ankle got another beat down, but I got up, brushed off my pride and didn't use it as an excuse to not exercise. I could have, but I didn't.
I have to stay on track with my exercise, if I don't I find every excuse to not start again. The hardest time for me is when I get sick. If I'm down for a few days, I feel like I've failed and it's hard for me to get back on plan. I'm not sure why, I feel good when I exercise both mentally and physically.
This morning, when I got up I felt good. My waist and abs felt smaller. I weigh during the week but it's never accurate, I sleep like shit weekdays. I need to stop playing games on my phone in bed and get to sleep earlier but it feels nice just to fart around and not have responsibilities for a while. I'm hoping that the more I exercise and the more weight I lose, my energy and stamina will increase. Where it stands now I pretty much work, cook dinner/clean up, and exercise on the weekdays, that's all my body can handle. I do feel better now that I did Sept 10 so I can see progress. 
16 days till I try on my Morticia Adams shirt again.....so much work on the body I have from now till then but I think know it will be worth it.
Looking to get a membership to the Y during the Thanksgiving Holiday, can't wait to get in the water again.

Last night, I did two bouts of yoga, weights, and some boxing....almost didn't make it through the boxing, my calves and feet were killing me. 
So I made the mistake of searching on youtube for yoga for obese people/losing weight. I usually always stay with a version of Sarah Ivanhoe yoga because I really enjoy her and my body feels great at the end. But yesterday I decided let's try something different, I like to do that every once in a while. 

OMG someone needed to explain to Susie Pops or Bubble gum or whatever the hell her name was what obese means and how it affects one's ability to do yoga. The routine was more for an intermediate yoga practitioner who is in reasonable shape. Also breathing in yoga is done in and out of the nose, we do not shove the exhale out through the mouth. I struggled through just because I'm stubborn as hell but I was extremely disappointed. There's 24 minutes of my life I can't get back.

This morning I put on a dress I hadn't worn in a while, I could feel a little bit of a difference, it felt looser. This will be the last time I wear this particular item this year, Fall returns over the weekend and it should be here to stay so this dress will stay in the closet on a hanger until mid-spring. I wonder how it will feel the next time I wear it, maybe it will be so big I won't be able to wear it again...that would awesome!!

In a few days, it will be a month since I've started this journey. I would be delighted to have a 5 pound loss for the month, for every month actually. I used to set my goals too high I think, trying to lose 2 pounds a week, week in and week out. Every time I didn't make it I would feel like a total loser. Five pounds a month is much more reasonable and realistic than 12. I think my overall goal will be to become half the size of when I started, so 159, I could do that. That's about what I weighed when the old man and I started dating. It would take me 32 months, June of 2019, I will be 45. Still young enough to enjoy myself and celebrate my health. 

Each day we choose to get closer or farther away from our ultimate destination. Choose wisely.

Saturday night I did something I hadn't done in years, I went to a haunted house with my daughter and one of her best friends. I had a blast. As an adult, I was much less scared than as a kid, seems the fears of real life shave some of the frightening edge off, but nonetheless, I had a great time. We walked through a cave and the equivalent of a small outdoor obstacle course, it was quite a workout for me. At the end there were a lot of stairs which I struggled with but I know as the months go by, as long as I keep exercising, it will slowly get easier and easier. 

This week I'm looking to focus on exercise because I really want to make my first 5 pound loss this Saturday. I was going to get some makeup at Ulta as a gift for myself, but the child found a website that will save me a lot of money, so I'm gonna use that. I'll be picking out things later today. I'm trying not to be frustrated at how long the body takes to change, I noticed yesterday while doing yoga I'm going deeper into my stretches and that made me smile. It's all about the little victories. 

I need to get a measuring tape so I can get my waist and hip measurements.
Little scatter brained today....didn't sleep too great...I need to crawl into bed earlier and make my bed a place of comfort and beautiful relaxation and peace. At current, it is not :(, the mattress needs to go, it's not supporitive enough. 

Looking to get in 90 minutes of exercise tonight....or at the very least 60. 

Till tomorrow.

I'm very proud of myself today for several reasons...mostly because of last night. After getting out of work and doing some grocery shopping, I found it late and dinner had not yet been completed. After conferring with the spouse and eldest child, a restaurant was picked for us all to meet at and partake in eating. Now this is one our favorite places to dine, upon entering the establishment a beautiful glass counter greets you with about 20 different types of delicious handmade cakes. Beside that a giant turntable dessert tower teases you with more glorious treats, it was like walking into a happy version of hell. 

Anyway, I resisted...had a delicious turkey burger with a side salad, enjoyed myself and felt great this morning....woke up with no guilt and had a great weigh in after sleeping in a bit longer than usual..313.4

So as of today, I'm down 4.6 pounds....need .04 more to get to my first reward...so all is well....

Need to keep working, keep positive, and progress....

So yesterday I took a day off from writing and exercise, after a small series of unfortunate events (like being at the wrong address) we finally signed the papers and are homeowners. I felt such a huge sigh of relief overtake me and all the stress just subsided. So now and probably for the next year, my main focus will be paying off all the bills and continuing to work out and get in shape. 

I'm excited and feel like after all these years, the old man and I are on a good path forward financially. I didn't go off plan food wise, I did great, maybe a little too much salt. I'm noticing as I get older that a meal with high sodium really affects my water retention, so I have to keep an eye on that. 

I don't think I'm going to make my first five pound goal tomorrow, I was hoping to but I just think so with the TOM lingering on, I just don't think it's gonna happen. I do need to get a measuring tape so on weeks when the scale isn't moving, maybe the measurements are better so I can see progress on a different level. 

Till tomorrow. :)

Stepping outside this morning, with the puppies in tow, I was relieved to have a cool breeze engulf my skin. It has been an usually hot summer here with 101 days reaching over the 90 degree mark and so I was delighted to feel fall finally arriving. Being a transplanted Yankee, I find the summers here beautiful, enjoyable, and hard on my body. When you over 40 and massively overweight, the heat and humidity of the southern summer season can feel as it is pushing you one foot closer to the grave.
For three months, one of the hardest things I do is walk up the 15 stairs to get in our front door, I'm exhausted by the time I get to the top.

But Fall is the time of change, the time when nature slows down to prepare itself for a long well deserved rest. This year it is a time for me to change also. A time to breathe in the autumn air while walking, a time to begin working in the backyard getting it ready to transform so next spring I can do yoga out on the back porch, a time to soak in all the beauty life has to offer and see the beauty in myself as well.

Tomorrow we close on the house, after 25 years of marriage we are the one things we've never been before...homeowners. It brings me a sense of calm well being. To have a space that belongs to us and that we can transform into anything we want to is amazing. It reflects how I see myself at this moment....as a blank canvas that I can turn into anything I want to as long as I'm committed to the hard work it requires.

After work I have to stop and get some salad for dinner, I'm going to pop into Hobby Lobby and grab a measuring tape and get my hips and waist measurements. Will post those tomorrow....Till then

They say dreams are an extension of our subconscious mind, I'm not exactly sure how true that is. I do believe, if we ponder on our dreams, both good and bad, there is much self examination to be had if we choose to divulge into our own thoughts. Last night, I had a dream I'm sure most married people have had at one time or another, the one where they see their spouse cheating. It's a thought I'd had many times over my marriage, varying from one degree to another. When I was younger and the kids were small, it was a terrifying fear, but as I've gotten older, I've realized you truly have no control over what another person does. You make not like it but that's a reality.

What I found most interesting this morning  was that as I glanced over at my husband as he soundly lay sleeping, I wasn't upset about the sex. In fact in my dream and afterward, that aspect of absorbing the affair left me unfazed, what bothered me is what has always bothered me about the concept....it's the betrayal. I have been married for a long time, eternity actually in comparison to most marriages today and my husband has never been an easy man. He's always been a good man but never an easy one. He's demanding, esoteric, and can be quick with the cruel side of his tongue. He talks more than he listens, is quick to judge, and can berate unrelentlessly when he feels his motives are misconstrued. I love and accept him for who he is but at times his personality can make it extremely difficult to connect deeper parts of myself to him because it feels more like combat than communication. I, for my part, am no saint but for the purpose of this writing, I will leave that for another day.

Accepting people for who they are and all the paradoxes and difficulties in between makes the circumstance of a betrayal all the much more damaging and if it were to happen in my case, irreversible. Besides my dad and my sons, my spouse is the only other man in my life I've ever trusted and believed in. Embracing fear is a vital step in achieving success when transforming your body. You don't know what it's like on the other side. Everyone that's accomplished their weight loss goals says it changes you but until you walk the path, you don't know what will happen to you, how it will change you. I do have fear on what would happen, how this will change me, change my relationship with my spouse. I am afraid of what is coming but I'm more afraid on missing the next 20 years because my body just got tired of being fat and quit. I have to accept the responsibility of being the master of my own existence. I have to walk into the darkness.

I've only watched 10 minutes of the TV show The Biggest Loser and even that was too long of my life quite frankly. They show a bit of a back story on this woman before she gets on the scale where she is talking about her weight, commenting on how she is learning to eat better, mixed in the flashes of her exercising like she's some sort of crazed athletic maniac. Her whole team is surrounding her, waiting with baited breath to find out just how great is loss will be, the pressure builds...did she loose 3...maybe 5 pounds this week? She steps atop the scale and then the number displays....she's gained 2.2 pounds......Gasps can be heard by all, you can see in her eyes the sheer devastation.....and here's me screaming at the television, "OMG are you freaking serious....maybe it's her time of the month, did anyone think of that or take that into account? You know the whole being a woman thing?" The answer is no, they never do.

We are taught on our weight loss journey that losing weight is what matters, seeing that smaller and smaller number on the scale reinforces the progress we are (or should be) making and when we don't achieve a loss of number....we are failures. We haven't exercised enough or eaten correctly that week and so now we are just a group of big, stupid, pathetic losers.

I think that success should be measured a multitude of ways and just because you are stagnant in one area for a while, that doesn't mean you are failing. The scale doesn't tell the whole story, it never has, regardless of whether the number is moving up or down. And as women, we have extra struggles in regards to just how our body functions. The key is accepting this, embracing it, and continuing to move forward without letting the number derail your progress.

The defeatist mindset becomes engrained into a fat person's way of thinking and self-definition, especially in the United States. Fat people are not viewed on a whole as successful, smart, or attractive. Funny and jolly are the only stereotypes that are accepted and embraced throughout society, heaven help you if you don't fit in that box. So when you gain weight through natural means, it negates nothing, you still struggle with feelings of failure which leave your spirit battered and beaten.

So these moments in the journey are ones we have to fight through, claw through, bleed through. These are the moments that hurt, that leave scars, that cause pain. These moments try to break us, crush us, cheat us out of the success we've already achieved. These are the moments that make us human and eventually will make us heroes.

Today has already been a bit of a struggle with my eating....BUT I accept that today is challenging and embrace that difficulty. Stupid period is due on Tuesday so for a few days before I'll feel like I'm starving all the time. This is one of the worst times where in the past I would shovel giant spoonfuls of peanut butter in my face and I haven't had any cravings for that at all. In fact, I have two jars of natural PB that I haven't even touched, they are just sitting up in the cabinet. 

Since my morning was a bit rough, I will put in extra exercise today. Accountability isn't easy but it's necessary to change my pattern of thinking. 

So today I commit to do:

30 mins upper body cardio/weights - COMPLETE
10 min arm weight blitz - COMPLETE
30 mins WFC abs - COMPLETE
20 mins boxing - COMPLETE
30 min yoga -COMPLETE

I will update by midnight on the status of all objectives.

UPDATE: I did it. I'm exhausted but I did it. So that extra piece of pizza wasn't worth it. I will think twice next time. 

Took weight this morning and very happy 314.8, this is on top of me not getting a good nights rest, eating dinner pretty late, and my tom is due in three days, so I was very relieved to see that number on the scale this morning. 

Will spend the weekend getting the house back to flawless shape, getting in a wee bit of painting, and getting ahead on my weekly exercise. Today I'm feeling very good, my mind is in a very positive state and I'm noticing little changes in my body where I'm not struggling as much with movement. 

Today is a good day.

We got the approval for the house yesterday and as long as everything goes well, we close next Thursday. I'm so excited just be able to breathe and relax and have this phase of our life evolve. I feel a sense of quiet well-being.

I have two items of "goal" clothing. While technically they both fit now, they aren't as comfortable and free wheeling as I would like. First is what I refer to as my Morticia Adams Dracula shirt, my goal is to wear it on Halloween. My second is a shirt I call my turkey fan. I'm looking to wear that the day before Thanksgiving.

I'm debating joining the Y this month, there is no joining fee but I'm not sure financially if we can yet. I'd love to get back in the water, I just don't know if I'm ready.

Weigh day is tomorrow. Looking for maybe two rounds of yoga tonight and then a wonderful sleep in Saturday morning. Need to get a new extended measuring tape today so I can take measurements and I also have a health list I need to fill:

1. New heart monitor
2. yoga strap
3 boxing gloves that fit
4.swim suit
5. swim goggles
6. Jinx Monsoon beach towel

Will get prices over the weekend and see what I can do.
First goal is 10 pounds down....already have a non-food reward for myself picked out.

Till the morning

So last night I decide to get in a full, well rounded evening of exercise. I start with Wii Gold's Gym Cardio Dance. I love the Wii for exercise, I have several games that I find fun yet challenging. My console is starting to have issues with freezing, not booting up, or not recognizing the remotes. but so far I've been able to keep it going. It makes me sad they don't make them anymore. Nintendo should have promoted it as an affordable option to a home gym, especially for the morbidly obese. It gets you moving and though I realize for the physically fit or gym rats, it's not enough; for truly fat people it can be a life-saver. It gets you off the sofa and it's done in the privacy of your own home.

When you are morbidly obese, you already are struggling with intense self perception issues. I realize there are some people who say they truly love being super fat, it doesn't bother them, they can do what other people do and maybe for them, that's a true statement. For me however, that would be a complete and utter line of bullshit. How does struggling to move make you feel great about yourself? You can't fit in booths at restaurants, using a normal size bathroom stall is a struggle, and of course there is always the stairs.....
When it's difficult to do normal everyday things, it's not easy to just suck up your embarrassment and head down and join the local gym. I'm not saying it's not necessary, I'm saying it's not easy. It's extremely intimidating to only do half a mile on the treadmill while being surrounded by people pumping out a ten mile run like it's nothing.

I have to admit that if I felt good about myself and who I am, I wouldn't be here in the first place. I realize everyone has issues, some people are addicted to drugs, some to gambling, some to sex and money, and some to food. My issue with food is deeply rooted in feelings of guilt, shame, anger, survival, and security. What a cluster fuck that is, but I'm grateful that I'm to the point where I can finally be bold enough to write it down and look at the words in all their obscene glory.

As I get to about the 22 minute mark in my 30 minute Cardio Dance work out, I start to ache a bit. My ankles and my knees weren't liking this anymore, it was cute the first half of the workout but now parts of my body were definitely not happy. So I just slowed down a little bit and probably lost some of my form, but I kept moving and I made it through. I did the cool down on the floor but at that point, that was a small detail and I wasn't going to beat myself up over that. I then found a floor exercise weight routine for the arms and chest from some SUPER Australian lady on youtube (thank heaven for people that put exercise routines on the internet for FREE, I think that should make you one step closer to sainthood). I finished with Candlelight Yoga by Sara Ivanhoe.

I crawled off the floor but I made it. I was exhausted but I made it. I find after 12 days of eating right and exercising, I'm sleeping better, my mood is happier, my muscles aren't aching as bad, and some of my skirts feel a wee bit looser. I wonder why I have so much trouble hanging on to and embracing this feeling of well-being. Am I waiting for it to be an illusion? Do I feel I just don't deserve the fluidity of movement? What does being anchored gain me, what does it give me? I need to figure that out so I can cut the cord.

When I close my eyes, I envision my new life and it is beautiful. NOT perfect, but beautiful.
We own the house we live in...instead of just renting it. The backyard finally has a fence and I'm able to play with my puppies and watch them run around like crazy while I do yoga on the back porch. I see the walls painted the colors I've chosen, the new windows open while the fall breeze flows through the house. As the fall changes into winter, I decorate the house inside and out for Christmas. It is breathtaking.

One by one, all the pieces of clothes sitting in my closet waiting for me to fit into again come off the hangers and onto my body. The UTC basketball jersey my daughter got me two years ago, the gypsy dress I wore when my brother in law got married, the blue fluffy fleece Eeyore hoodie, my various size jeans, my jean skort, and finally the white flowered blue Little House on the Prairie dress I got married in.

Each decision that I make, both negative and positive, both intentional and unconsciously determine my ability to transform the dream into reality. To be cognizant of one's choices, quite frankly is taxing. You just can't throw caution to the wind and see what may, those days are over because when left to your own devices, you choose poorly.

ARGH.....

But what you get at the end of the journey, after mastering the struggles, after embracing the demons....is peace. I will always have to stay on target when it comes to my weight, I will always have to make exercise a priority in my life. But to have freedom of movement, to walk up the stairs, to walk down the stairs, to not feel weighed down to the universe. To cross my legs, to do the yoga pose thread the needle or tree without falling over. To stretch and be mobile and agile.

This is what health is, not a specific size or weight. Just to present in your body and enjoy the movement. I close my eyes again and I see the future...and it is......mine.

If I were to think about all the binge eating I've done over the years, the food probably equates to eating everything served on the average American's Thanksgiving Day table x 200. I can't even calculate the calorie count but still, I did it because it brought me things I felt I couldn't get anywhere else. I remember as a kid, getting up in the middle of the night and sneaking breaded veal patties out of the freezer and cooking them in the microwave at 2 o'clock in the morning. I would smoother them in cheese and mayo and slap them between two pieces of bread. It was hot and delicious and tasted amazing, even now the memory is making me smile. And why? because it was something I was forbidden to do. It was my screw off to the world.

See, I love my mother very much but we are extremely different people. Growing up, my mother had a vain streak in her a mile wide, though even to this day, I doubt she'd ever admit it. She was always dressed to the nine's, every hair in place, makeup done perfectly, and on Sunday for church, out came the high heels and the fur coat. She was the epitome of style and virtue. Even when I was young, I thought it was pretentious, we were a blue collar family. 

She would monitor what we ate, my brother and I. If she made cookies for dessert...three was the limit. No more, we could never have any more than three so as I got older, I made sure I always found the biggest three in the batch. I think it pissed her off, which brought me silent joy. I remember as a kid, my grandfather (her father) telling me I should loose weight, I was fucking SEVEN. My mom never defended me, she told him she was "working on it". I remember thinking I must be a worthless piece of crap. That feeling stayed with me for quite a long time.


I didn't figure out till I was in sixth grade, that I had been molested. We spent some time every summer with the best friends of my parents. I loved them very much, I called them Aunt and Uncle. They had six children, two girls and four boys. The second oldest boy was 9 years my senior, meaning when I was five, he was 14. He was my first case of "puppy love" and everyone thought it was so cute. It ended up being a relationship that would warp my perception of myself and men for decades to follow. I remember him on top of me in the barn, in his room, in the camper. I remember wanting to stop and then him telling me it was ok, he did this with Kim. I idolized Kim who was a neighbor of theirs', I wanted to grow up and be just like her so this can't be wrong because Kim did it.
Every summer for 5 years, this was my life. And then, one day, his brother caught him having sex with me in the cubbyhole under my brother's desk. I was 10, he was 19. I just remember the two of them having words, a lot of whispered anger. I remember his brother telling me not to worry, he'd make sure that never happened again, and it never did.
The damage however was already done.

Late fall of that same year they called all the girls into the gym at my school to have the "talk" about periods, how they worked, why they happened, why they didn't happen. I had not had my period up until this point, I remember walking home convinced I was pregnant. I was terrified about not only what it would mean to me, but about what it would mean for him. I got home and spent the next 2 hours in the neighbors back yard slamming my stomach against a fence railing where we had removed the chain link so we could pretend to be gymnasts on the bottom of the uneven bars. I didn't want to be pregnant so I knew if I got my period I wasn't so I just kept beating my body against the metal again and again and again.


My mother spent years thinking he was a great Christian boy, attractive, athletic, fun.
I think eating was a way of silently giving her the middle finger, as if to say, "oh I'm sorry and I letting you down by not being thin and beautiful" She couldn't pretend I was something she wanted me to be because you can't hide fat. By being fat, she had to acknowledge there was a problem. Eating was the only thing I had control over to upset the apple cart. and scream out for help.
When I look back at pictures now, I see that after the first summer being with him, my weight jumped over the next school year quite a bit. Each summer with him added more weight, maybe I was hoping he find me as disappointing as mom did with each pound I gained and find me unattractive and stop.

The summer between my seventh and eighth grade year, we didn't go to Indiana and they didn't come to Illinois. That was the first time I felt free, I spent the hot months of the season working out and got in the best shape of my life. I felt amazing. I've been looking to regain that sense of wellness I had that summer for the past 30 years.